Post by Zavi on Jun 13, 2009 17:15:43 GMT -5
First of all, I'll praise you on the usual stuff--I just love your fast pacing and the lack of superfluous ideas in this story. You said what you needed to, shut up, and moved the story along. I love that, of course. XP
One phrase in particular: short, packs a punch, and sounds pretty to boot!
Loved the character interactions in this part too: firstly, Waverly and Ariel. You got the nature of the conflict quickly without any flowery prose to tie up the action. Both characters' attitudes are apparent from the start, and I especially loved this:
I shouldn't love this line. But I do, I do, I do! It completely sums up Waverly, seeing Ariel as the first "thing" he noticed.
Loved this too:
That's such an Ariel-y phrase that reveals a whole lot about her character. -applause-
And now, to Eric and Lyra:
I'm glad the conflict with the Eric scenes stretched beyond getting Lyra home--not only did Eric have to do that, but it was clear that he had to allay tensions between kingdoms too. It's great because later on, I'll wonder if he can still succeed...
It's the same way with the mysterious man too. Now I have more to wonder about for future chapters!
I liked the contrast in dialogue between Eric and Lyra, too. If there were no dialogue tags, I could tell exactly who was speaking and I'd get the whole fatherly/brotherly protection that brings warm fuzzies to all your readers. Eric wasn't the "classic hero"--he was just a guy trying to get a little girl safely home. D'aaawww. (:
The only critique I would give is to put a little more color into the story--I say that lightly, because I know a smidge too much would disrupt the lovely fast pace you have going. But I know there are authors that have detail with lots more action, so it's good to find that balance!
One phrase in particular: short, packs a punch, and sounds pretty to boot!
Would there ever be anyone besides him willing to champion a mermaid’s freedom?
Loved the character interactions in this part too: firstly, Waverly and Ariel. You got the nature of the conflict quickly without any flowery prose to tie up the action. Both characters' attitudes are apparent from the start, and I especially loved this:
“What about us, Ariel? I thought we might have something. You were the first thing I noticed about Atlantica.” Waverly closed the distance between them.
I shouldn't love this line. But I do, I do, I do! It completely sums up Waverly, seeing Ariel as the first "thing" he noticed.
Loved this too:
“How do you know he’ll always feel that way?” Waverly questioned, his eyes reflecting hurt and confusion.
Ariel softened her tone when she saw the look in his eyes. “I don’t. But I’m willing to take the chance.”
Ariel softened her tone when she saw the look in his eyes. “I don’t. But I’m willing to take the chance.”
That's such an Ariel-y phrase that reveals a whole lot about her character. -applause-
And now, to Eric and Lyra:
I'm glad the conflict with the Eric scenes stretched beyond getting Lyra home--not only did Eric have to do that, but it was clear that he had to allay tensions between kingdoms too. It's great because later on, I'll wonder if he can still succeed...
It's the same way with the mysterious man too. Now I have more to wonder about for future chapters!
I liked the contrast in dialogue between Eric and Lyra, too. If there were no dialogue tags, I could tell exactly who was speaking and I'd get the whole fatherly/brotherly protection that brings warm fuzzies to all your readers. Eric wasn't the "classic hero"--he was just a guy trying to get a little girl safely home. D'aaawww. (:
The only critique I would give is to put a little more color into the story--I say that lightly, because I know a smidge too much would disrupt the lovely fast pace you have going. But I know there are authors that have detail with lots more action, so it's good to find that balance!